A single guy, who was obviously eager to figure out the secret to discovering
romance, recently asked me this question, “What do women want in a man?” He
actually wanted me to help him with this research project by asking some of the
young ladies in our church’s singles group to provide some insight. This isn’t
the first time I’ve heard this question. I’ve spent a good portion of my
ministry life working with young singles and this question, and other questions
like it, comes with the job not only from the men but often the women as well.
me explain why I think this is a terrible question. Although I could spend
equal time on both sides of this issue, I’m going to target my efforts toward
men, since men are still the primary drivers of romance, at least based on the
models we see in Scripture.
is no denying the “urge to merge” among young single adults. I believe God has
hard-wired the desire for romance into humanity. Only in cases of major
dysfunction is this romantic desire not there or in some way perverted. This
desire drives men and women together as predictably as death and taxes.
my experience with young singles, in the quest for romance there is a subtle
insecurity that creeps in and becomes the basis of this terrible question. In
the case from above, the man, filled with a desire for romance, is paralyzed by
a fear of rejection, and he sets out to educate himself on women in a move of
almost creepy self-protection. This self-protecting mentality undermines God’s
best for romance. The result is essentially idolatry. Instead of asking the
best question, “What does God want from me as a man,” he is choosing to place
the burden on a woman to determine his approach and character. The scary part
is considering what this guy or other guys might do if they learned what women
want. Imagine the potential for manipulation and deceit. A man taking on a
false persona to land a woman is a sick and frightening thing.
I understand the pain of rejection and
dislike it as much as the next guy; however, if you claim to be Christian man
then you must live by the standards of Scripture and the example of Jesus. If
women want that kind of man, then you will have romance. If not, you may
consider it suffering for Jesus. In the end, I think you will find, and I
believe many women would agree, that a man who lives by conviction is far more
attractive than the alternative. In those cases where women “just aren’t into
you” as a Christian guy, take your rejection with class and stay committed to
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